I used to think that life’s lessons only came in the big moments. The ones where you have a life-changing decision to make – to take the job in another country or stay comfortable, to leave the toxic relationship or try to make it work.
As time has gone on, I’ve realized that there are lessons in every single moment of life if we are present to them and take the time to reflect.
Last week, my big lesson came when I went to eat my morning banana.
As I peeled the banana, it was no longer the nourishment that was curing my morning sickness. It was a painful reminder that I didn’t need to eat bananas in the morning anymore because there was no more morning sickness, because there was no more baby inside of me causing the morning sickness.
The baby that was supposed to be 12 weeks today, the size of a lime, was gone. So no, the banana didn’t have the same delicious taste.
And the sweet smell of my Armani perfume I missed because I didn’t want to put any unnecessary chemicals on my body while pregnant didn’t smell quite as sweet the first time I put it on.
In an instant, it went from being my favorite perfume to a reminder that there was no baby to protect from the unnecessary chemicals. Instead of making me feel confident and sexy, it made me feel sad and hollow.
I have a million different examples of this I could share with you, but the examples aren’t what’s important. And dwelling on them actually doesn’t make me feel better.
Okay..sometimes it does feel a little good to wallow in self pity, but I don’t like to stay there long.
No, what is actually helping me feel better is letting go of these stories. Surrendering all these personal meanings my mind has automatically created for literally everything and falling back into trust.
What do I mean by that?
A banana is just a banana.
That’s all that it is.
Sure, I can get lost in the emotions it stirs up in me, but it won’t make me pregnant. It won’t help my mood. It won’t make me a vessel for the next miracle baby.
And I have to trust that this miscarriage was part of the greater plan.
It’s easy to surrender and trust with the small things, like not making the green light or someone not holding the door open for you.
But in the moments when life feels completely unfair, this is where surrender and trust really comes in.
Something I’ve realized in this experience of finding out I was pregnant and then miscarrying, is that..we don’t get to be selective about what we surrender to and trust.
I still remember looking down at that THIRD pregnancy test (this time I got a digital one to make sure that I didn’t misread the little lines).
Pregnant.
In an instant, everything changed.
The world around me started to swirl and recalibrate and rearrange itself to prepare for this new baby.
I was overwhelmed with so many emotions and new thoughts. I was having an internal freak out actually.
My mind went crazy and all of a sudden a new stream of fears and anxieties began to flood out of me..
“I’m not ready to be a Mom yet.”
“This wasn’t a part of my plan.”
“I wanted to live closer to family when we started having kids.”
“I can’t bring a baby home to a 3rd floor apartment.”
“I wanted more money in savings before we started having kids.”
“What will people think?”
This went on for a few days, maybe even weeks if I’m being honest. But ultimately what helped pull me out of this tornado of mental chaos was surrendering and trusting in a higher power.
I let go of my ego, I let go of my plan, and I let the higher power lead.
I began to reflect on all the times in my life when things didn’t go according to “my plan” and realized how much of the things I cherish most in life, like my relationship with Richie, probably wouldn’t exist if I was still trying to force life to go according to my mind’s plan.
When I leaned into that foundational truth that has carried me through so many dark moments of my life, suddenly this pregnancy went from something that caused anxiety and fear to something that felt exciting and miraculous.
I went from being anxious about money and savings to getting into action on how I could setup my business to be a Mom who gets to stay at home with her baby.
I went from getting wrapped up in living on the third floor of an apartment to getting excited about living right off a hike and bike trail and envisioning all the walks we would have with baby in the stroller and Zoey on her leash.
I went from worrying about what other people might think to sharing with our closest friends and family: “It was clearly meant to be!”
I began to share it with pride.
How perfect and special this child must be that we weren’t even trying and we got pregnant! It must be a gift from the heavens, a sign!
So when we found out at our 10-week appointment that we were never going to get to hear the sweet sound of that heartbeat through the ultrasound machine, how could I then decide not to trust?
I had my moments of anger and wallowing and sadness and mourning..I think all of that is normal and we all need to process and release the very real human emotions that come from grief and loss.
But I don’t believe we’re meant to stay there.
And this is where I had to lean back on the same surrender and trust that brought me peace when I found out I was pregnant.
Falling into this truth was what turned around the whole experience. The idea that the pregnancy was, in fact, divine and perfect and meant to be, the same way the miscarriage was.
It has to be.
We don’t get to pick and choose what parts of life are worthy of surrender and trust and the parts that, instead, we want wrestle and fight with.
If we were the choosers of what is worthy of it, then that wouldn’t really be trust, would it?
It would lose it’s potency.
It wouldn’t be there the next time something happens outside of “the plan”, because, let’s face it..anytime something is a little off, our minds want to convince us that it’s wrong because change is hard.
In the short time since we miscarried, I can already see how the experience has changed us for the better.
For one thing, it has strengthened and grown Richie and I’s relationship in ways I didn’t even think was possible.
It’s also made me a lot more grateful for the miracle that is a baby. I can tell you right now, the next go around I won’t be complaining about not having enough energy to do the things I wanted to do.
No, the next time around I will sit back in awe at the miracle that is taking place inside my body. And honor it.
This brief experience of knowing we were going to be parents has also helped us to see, without a doubt, that it’s time for us to be parents and to build our family. I can’t say we would have gotten there on our own if we were left to make the decision on our own.
But now that we’ve felt that magic and seen the world through new eyes, the eyes of future parents, there’s no going back.
If I was too busy sitting in the stories my mind made up and staying down in the sadness, there would be no space for this gratitude and reflection.
So now, when I get those little pings and reminders like with the banana or when I go to put on perfume, rather than getting lost in the story and the meaning I’ve made of it..I close my eyes, take a deep breath, allow the emotion to move through me, and fall back into trust.
And slowly, the banana is regaining it’s delicious taste and the perfume is starting to smell a little more sweet.
Actually..just this afternoon Richie and I were cuddling and he asked if I was wearing perfume.
Maybe he didn’t even realize before that I hadn’t been wearing it anymore. But he noticed I was.
He liked it.
And rather than let it pull me down into a sea of sadness, I was present to the moment and enjoyed the feeling of his nose on my neck as he smelled the sweet scent.
Where in your life are you creating stories and meaning out of something that is causing you unnecessary suffering and maybe even holding you back from moving forward?
As you can see from my story, it can be as simple as your morning breakfast, or maybe it’s the anxiety that wells up in you every time you see a car that resembles your ex’s car, or is it that pair of skinny jeans you have hanging in your closet that make you feel like absolute crap every time you look at them? Whatever it is, can you begin to let go of the story and let the car be a motor vehicle that gets people from point A to point B, and the jeans a piece of clothing that keep people from being cold?
One of the ways I have been able to slow down and reflect on these things is through my journaling practice. If you feel called to, I urge you to journal on this topic. If you are looking for a journal for reflection, you can explore the one I created, built with the same format that has helped me build my awareness and develop my trust in something greater over the years.
Until next time love,
-mel
p/s: Stay conscious
Letting Go 
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